None of us wants to be needy. It’s unattractive, and we can find really needy people annoying, pathetic and attention-seeking.
Being needy is one of the traits in our humanness that we avoid or deny profusely.
We pride ourselves in being strong, capable and independent.
You know what I mean, don’t you? We don’t ask for help; we pride ourselves in being strong, capable and independent.
Do you agree that it is important not to have to depend on anyone?
After all, if you want something done a certain way, it’s easier to do it yourself than to ask someone.
Would you rather work and be responsible for everything – even to the point of overwhelm, exhaustion and failure-than to ask for help?
Of course, we don’t want this, but for many of us, it’s so much easier to do it this way than to tune into what we need and ask for it.
There is a benefit too
Although there is a cost to doing it all yourself, the add-on benefit protects you from being upset, disappointed or angry. You do not have to nag someone else or be stuck if they don’t do what you want.
And, when we do it yourself, it gets done the way you want it done. And if there is any problem you cannot blame anyone else but you.
Being independent and not asking for help is so common. It can be a challenge to break free from because we learned this at a very young age. We learned it often as a necessary protection.
You see, it’s like we have taken a vow (subconsciously) to:
never be weak,
never depend on anyone,
never want anything that you can’t give yourself,
never share what you would really like or
never tune into or feel deeply what you do want for you.
And, there is another downside that you may not be aware of.
When you decide that you don’t need anything from anyone else you block yourself from asking and receiving.
Therefore, you are not open to it; you don’t even see it when offered, so you can’t receive it.
Secretly we do want more support
The funny thing is that secretly we do want more support, more help, more ease, more acknowledgement and more money.
How often have you given others what they need (even when they don’t ask) and you hope or believe that they will do that for you?
And, how disappointed and hurt are you when you don’t get it? Perhaps your birthday was overlooked, or you are never asked if you would like a cup of coffee or tea made for you?
Allowing Yourself To Ask For More
1. Know that you are not alone.
We all have needs/wants and desires. It’s just that we deny them and soldier on.
We all have a needy part inside us that wants to be seen and acknowledged. Let it feel seen and honoured for the truest feelings.
2. Tune in to you and question
‘What do I find pleasurable? What do I love doing? What would I love someone…my partner, child, friend, colleague to do for me? What do I need from my boss? How would I feel more supported, loved, appreciated, acknowledged? What would that look like? What have I been afraid to admit?’
This deeper reflection may be new for you, but it does get easier once you start enquiring because you are now curious and open.
Be the detective; you can use a journal, daydream, confide in those you trust, your girlfriends or others you can feel safe with. You can own and acknowledge it for each other. Being honest like this is incredibly freeing.
3. Start asking for what you want
What do you need help with? Would like to receive more of? Start asking for what you truly want from those around you. Start with small things and from people you feel more comfortable with. Build up to asking for much bigger things or things that make you feel vulnerable.
Understand that people can’t magically intuit what you want or need and often are perplexed by what support they could give you or what gift you would adore.
Let them know. Let them know how much you would love it and what it means to you.
4. Get support
Get support for yourself. There are various modalities, such as tapping or meditation and mindfulness to access the deeper feelings you have. Feelings that you have been denying. They will help you gain the confidence to speak the truth about what you really want, those things you have been limiting yourself.
This was true for me. After doing some of the deep work from the Tapping into Wealth Program, I cleared the vows that blocked me. I accessed parts in me that desire praise and acknowledgement to know that I am loved and cherished for who I am.
Once I understood this, I was able to share this insight with my partner. I told him that I had learned something new about myself, and although I was scared of how he would respond, I felt more courageous and did it anyway.
His response was to hug me, and he said, “Ok, I will do this for you. But, you might have to remind me sometimes!”
I still do have to remind him sometimes, but the truth is I can ask for it and at the same time own and love that part inside me that needs this support and encouragement.
5. Acknowledge and give thanks
to those who respond to your requests and see what they deeply need too. When we give from a place that feels full, because we have our own needs met, we realise the gift that is in the giving.
We all need support.
As a woman, a mother, a coach and a nurse, I see this all too common. I know that it can be difficult to clear this deep subconscious programming as these vows have been with you since childhood. We all need support now and again.
If you would like more support with this, then I would love to offer you my FREE Personal Leadership Breakthrough Session
During this private one to one consultation, you sit down with me, over zoom…
- We will look at one of the areas in your life where you are really overgiving, and I’ll help you make a new agreement with yourself to start setting healthy boundaries.
- Calls are recorded on Zoom because you’ll gain aha’s and will want
to listen again.
- This session is valuable, worth $200.
It is yours FREE and with no obligation.
- Feel heard, understood, clearer and more confident
- Together we can find out if it is a fit to work together.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Lauren Bell helps nurses, healers and caring professionals who feel burnt out, stuck, angry and silenced to step up, stand out and be valued at the highest level in their field. Passionate for holistic health and wellness – body, mind, and spirit, Lauren delivers high impact transformation with therapy, coaching and workshops to move you forward and Love Your Extraordinary Life.’ Visit www.laurenbell.com.au to learn more about Lauren